[This is a total rip-off of Bill Maher’s “New Rules,” a little schtick he likes to perform at the end of his show Real Time and one he’s even published in book form — TWICE. So let’s be clear: this is his thing, not mine. But I feel I could make some decent contributions…]

[And also, because I apparently have to do this now: when I refer to “Republicans” I of course mean the obnoxiously stupid ones that ARE ignorant bigots, not all Republicans. That should go without saying, but evidently it doesn’t, so I’m saying it. Now shut up.]

New Rule: When someone makes fun of himself or herself for something stupid they did, everyone else needs to let it go, because it’s no longer funny. Lindsay Lohan poked fun at her own criminal record on SNL; Obama made cracks about his teleprompter dependency and dubious origin at the Correspondents’ Dinner. So now let’s all get back to calling him a Socialist Muslim.

New Rule: Don’t confuse flag-waving, fried-food-eating, and shouting “AMURCA NUMMER 1!!!” with “patriotism.” Real patriots honour their country by making it look good, by being responsible, competent, and compassionate. Now, I know it’s easy to confuse them since it seems like those people love their country, but love is not enough. If these fat, ignorant morons were really serious about loving America, they would not embarrass her so; and if AMURCA really was NUMMER 1, they would be much more intelligent, and we wouldn’t be falling behind in nearly every aspect of life besides highest prison population. You see, when you’re wrong about one thing, they automatically call you “stupid,” no chance of redemption; when you’re right about everything, they call you “smug.” The real irony is that when you’re wrong about everything, they call you “patriotic” and allow you to vote…

“From the Right, you will hear ‘I think.'” HAHAHA. He actually said that! And he wasn’t kidding!

New Rule: If you’re an idiot, you don’t get to call other people idiots. It’s like people who misspell the word “ignorant” in the comment section on Yahoo! News articles. Do you not realize how hilarious you are when you do that? Take Neal Boortz, for instance. This sparkling Texan gem (lawyer/talk show host – that’s how you know he’s smart!) recently gave a commencement speech at Texas A&M encouraging students not to be liberals because “From the Left you will hear ‘I feel.’ From the Right you will hear ‘I think,’” an all-around hilarious statement. Do Republicans disapprove of gay marriage because “I think it’s gross” (thought) or because “I BELIEVE marriage is between a man and a woman” (feeling)? The point being that I rarely hear them use the words “I think” at all… But when they do, those thoughts are based on feelings.

Liberals are the ones who value higher education, scientific research, and fact-based decision-making. For the party that has the market cornered on emotionally-driven politics, it is remarkable that these assholes can still be so heartless.

For further proof that their thoughts have little to do with actual logic, consider the fact that a corporation’s or a fetus’s personhood is considered paramount to a woman’s – the people who carry fetuses and help to comprise corporations.

A screenshot from a recent ExxonMobil commercial about how the US ranks 17th in science education. (Finland, Japan, and South Korea had the top 3 spots, respectively.)

New Rule: Mitt Romney is not allowed to blame Obama for America’s failure in the education department. First of all, it turns out “No Child Left Behind” left a lot of children behind, and second, it’s the only reason people are voting for him in the first place! Be grateful, Mitt. Our country’s stupid people may well win you the White House.

New Rule: You can’t use “real live, actual, bona fide scientists” to disprove global warming if you won’t listen to them disprove creationism. Come on, religion!! Pick a side! Either you want to coexist peacefully with logic and reason, or you don’t. Make up your mind.

New Rule: Make sure there’s a castle to defend before building the moat around it! Why do we spend so much on defense when our people don’t have healthcare and our highways are disintegrating? We do not need titanium-toothed war dogs or crazy unmanned ice robots before we worry about education, infrastructure, health care, the environment, equality, immigration, and balancing the budget!! Especially since a lot of that defence money goes to fighting a drug war in Mexico – which only exists because Americans love drugs, and which is being exacerbated by lax American gun safety laws that facilitate the gang violence we’re paying to stop.

The Illusion of Choice: (not just about how you really only have like 10 brands to choose from, but also) Our money goes to them, their money goes to the government, who takes money from us and from them in order to put more restrictions on us — and take restrictions off them. So really, the only real choice is whether or not to grow your own damn groceries. I love this country.

New Rule: Stop saying that rich people have “played the game and won,” and now “the 99% are condemning them for winning.” It would be one thing if they just won the game and left it at that; but setting it up so that no one else can win is where we have a problem. Why don’t all these rich people put their money into mega-yachts and sail around the world gorging on caviar and champagne like a normal person would?? Why do they have to put all of their resources into Super PACS and national campaigns, making sure that there is always a solid “bottom” to validate their position on the “top”? This is why we have a problem with the greedy corporate bastards, the banks, the Wall Street stockbrokers, the media syndicates, the huge conglomerates of producers of consumer goods like Kraft, P&G, and Unilever that own far more than we think they do. With the consolidation of power come the common themes of anti-labor, anti-tax, anti-regulation… As Bill Maher pointed out on the 18th, taxes, union membership, and regulation of the media have all gone down since consolidation began to take place. Is this a coincidence? No! It’s because the government and the corporations are in bed together.

This is not conspiracy theory or leftist propaganda. Dan Rather lost his freakin’ job after reporting in 2004 that George W. Bush had gone AWOL for a year while he was supposed to be serving in the National Guard. How else do you explain that? Dan Rather was one of the most respected American journalists for the greater part of a century. And yet, when the Bush administration told CBS to cut all the truth crap, CBS laid off a bunch of good people, including Rather! This is because America and the people who work for her ultimately answer to the ones with money, because money is power. Who else would we answer to? From their perspective, it makes sense that those forces would work together, and apparently they need to make sure we lose the game in order for them to keep winning.

Click to watch the best campaign ad you have ever seen.

New Rule: Stop saying Obama hasn’t done anything. So many people have refuted this by now it’s not even a popular thing to do anymore. That’s right, your criticisms of Obama’s record are so unfashionably stupid that telling you you’re stupid has ALSO fallen out of fashion. That being said, just for fun, What Has Obama Really Accomplished in the Last 4 Years?:

  • Wall Street reform
  • Health Care reform
  • Equal Pay for Women
  • Repealed Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell
  • Saved the American auto industry
  • Ended war in Iraq
  • First Latina Supreme Court Justice
  • Confirmation of liberal Justice Kagan
  • Supporting gay marriage
  • Killing Bin Laden
  • Increased National Parks funding by 10%
  • Lowered taxes and cut government spending
    (What exactly are Republicans whining about again??)

Just to name a few things. Tell you what! Don’t believe me? Watch the propaganda and decide for yourself. Or do what I did and fact-check the bastards until you have no choice but to shut up. Awesome campaign video (also pictured) here.

It’s a great book, full of love, peace, healing, giving, magic, and so much more! I thoroughly encourage everyone to read it, and really try to take something valuable and meaningful from it — Particularly, those who claim to have already read it.

New Rule: If you’re going to use the Bible as a source to back up your hate-filled bile, you should probably read it first. Also, New Rule: If you do that, don’t call yourself a Christian.

New Rule: If you say you are going to attend an event on Facebook, SHOW THE FUCK UP.

New Rule: Accept the fact that America does not belong to any one group of people. If it did, it would be the natives who lived here before all those illegal immigrants came over in the Mayflower (or Viking ships, depending on how well you know your history). It is, and should have always been, a land of brown people. A recent story reveals that more non-white children were born in the US last year than white children. White people took it from the natives, and now the Latins, Asians, Africans, (that the white people imported, I might add,) and others are taking it over. Is this a bad thing?? OF COURSE NOT. It’s called “What happens when you found a country on the tradition of immigration and the promise of a better life!” I mean, who in the world doesn’t want a better life? That’s why people come here, and it’s why people stay here! Whether it’s actually attainable or not! So get over it, and just enjoy it. Because people of all colours, shapes, sizes, ages, ethnicities, religions, orientations, and backgrounds can be great and inspirational and sexy. I, for one, am looking forward to the day when humans are all the same color. It will make everything so much simpler.

New Rule: Throw your trash away in an appropriately designated receptacle, hold the door open for others when they’re a reasonable distance away, don’t spit, and flush public toilets. Dear lord, did I really need to say that?

Bill Maher may resemble an arctic mongoose (said with affection), but he’s funny as hell.

New Rule: Watch Bill Maher’s Real Time every Friday night on HBO (You’re rewatching Game of Thrones anyway). I mean, I’m not usually about promos, but I’ve been ripping him off pretty hardcore this whole time – the least I could do is give the man an endorsement. So here’s my favourite of his monologues; click to discover just how stupid Americans really are. And whether or not you agree with him, you can’t help but laugh.

Consider that a challenge.

– THE DUEL CITIZEN

And also, this is amazing: Bill Maher and Jane Lynch reading Anthony Weiner’s text messages.

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