(Pt. I here)

Abe doesn’t stand a chance against Her Majesty. She’s 25X his size! (Get it?)

America is becoming Canada. BY CHOICE.

Well, several major aspects of it are, anyway. On the one hand, you have a lot of left-leaning Americans who enjoy the liberal mystique of Canada, its greater sense of social freedom and inclusion, etc. This leads to the study of Canadian social policy. For Conservatives, Americans are starting to take notice of the stability of the Canadian dollar and wondering what differences might exist in the market. This leads to the study of Canadian economic policy. Together, with the rising infiltration of the entertainment industry, this means that Canadian presence and ideologies are becoming increasingly more mainstream in American culture… COULD HISTORY BE REPEATING ITSELF IN REVERSE??

It would be nice payback for overtaking and suppressing Canadian cultural growth throughout the Industrial Revolution and the 20th century… And so typically Canadian. So nice and unthreatening. Like a Trojan Horse with Cherry Cake Timbits.

I can’t wait to start withdrawing a whole bunch of crisp, shiny, invisible ghost dollars. It’s going to be awesome.

Currency: 
Actually, let’s start with that money thing. Between the plastic money those guys devised to stall counterfeiters, their adorable $1 coins we’re thinking about, those crazy chip cards that America is just now starting to get (WHY?!), and abolishing the penny, Americans are starting to take more notice of Canadian money than the usual “NEAT!” that happens when you find a random Canadian penny in your change. Especially since we won’t get to enjoy random Canadian pennies for much longer! (Well, not newly-minted ones anyway.) Also, let’s not forget that frickin’ Iceland is considering adopting the Canadian dollar. Hey, Iceland! Why not good old Washington? I mean, Panama uses our money and look how well they’re doing! …

Thanks for giving him a little push, Joe. It feels good to feel so proud of my Commander in Chief.

Marriage: 
Marriage equality is slowly becoming more than just a dream! That is… VERY slowly. Especially when you consider the victories (Obama and Biden coming out in support of same-sex marriage) and weigh them against the defeats (Prop 8 in 2008, and Amendment 1 in 2012). But still!! Little by little, things ARE getting better. The Deep South, sad as it is to make exceptions, is likely a holdout due to the sheer volume of ignorant, hateful, “religious,” stupid, fat people down there. Give ‘em time to die off and/or evolve – whichever would piss them off more. One day, America will be where Yukon was in 2004, and where the rest of Canada was a year later.

No, YOU shut up! All 446 thousand of you.

Health care:
One of the most popular, most efficient, and all-around greatest defenses of universal health care is to say, “Hey, Canada did it, and they have not collapsed into rubble yet…” In fact, the next best step would be to say, “And also, most Canadians love their health care!” At least, it would seem that they do since they like to shove it in our faces all the time. So, if a country that faces virtually the same health care problems as the US and is similar to the US in all ways up to and including geographical location, then why don’t we think their system will work for us? The answer is that we have no comeback, and are slowly and begrudgingly going in that direction.

So many hilarious maple leaves. But still awesome. I guess they use maple leaves the same way we use stars, eagles, and the number 13: to excess.

Armed Forces: 
The Canadian Forces are nothing short of awesome. This is nothing against our troops!! I love our troops, let’s be very clear on that. I just think it’s amazing that virtually every Canadian reserves officer is trained like a Swiss Army knife. I’ve spent some time talking to different members of the Canadian Forces (mostly Army reserves) and the one thing they all cite as the biggest difference between the Americans and the Canadians is the training. The Americans are generally trained to do one thing. They’re trained to be VERY good at that one job, but unfortunately, if one of those job-doers is lost, they are harder to replace since not everyone knows how to do their job. This is a problem the Canadians apparently don’t have. Imagine an entire Army of Army Rangers, because that’s basically the Canadians. And in fact, we’re starting to train Canadian officers with American Marines again, perhaps for this exact reason, along with fostering inter-unit cohesion and unity. Now, this isn’t bragging necessarily. Another huge factor contributing to this is the sheer number discrepancy. Since the Canadians are so few in comparison to Americans anyway, each man is that much more precious (not that Americans are expendable – there are just more of us) and that’s why they have to go through such intense training. They have to make the most of limited resources. Still, whatever the reason, you have to admire a group of soldiers that knows how to wage a campaign in snowshoes.

Because nothing ever goes wrong with big oil-related projects. Like Deep Water Horizon.

Energy:
We want their oil. And probably also their coal and natural gas. See, the thing is, we’re in the middle of this sticky little energy crisis thing, and we’re not really getting along with most of the people with the oil we need, so… In order to avoid going to war over oil, we’re just sort of… usurping the Canadians’ and saying it’s ours. Something about being trade partners? And sharing a continent? Which makes the construction of a big, dirty, messy pipeline that will scar the face of both nations SUPER convenient? I don’t know. I was too busy looking at Mitt Romney’s hair.

Celebrities:
Apparently, half of them are Canadian now. And they’re so SNEAKY about it! Regardless of the show you happen to be watching, or the song you happen to be listening to, I suggest going through the cast list/band members with a fine-toothed comb to see if you can pick out the Canadians. Like super attractive, super talented fleas. Gone are the days when famous people only come from California, New York, and England. Now they’re mostly from Vancouver or Toronto.

The lovely Jenna Talackova. I’m sorry, I honestly don’t care how you feel about transgenders, but she is gorgeous from every single angle. And she has impressed me in every single interview. I hope she goes on to do some activism. She and her story could help make a real difference.

The News:
Suddenly, there’s more “Canada” in the news than ever before! It’s like we’ve finally realized they’re up there! Between the coverage of Jenna Talackova, the first transgender contestant for Miss Universe Canada, the Quebec student protests, and their crazy plastic money, I’m finding it hard to stay on top of my Kim Kardashian and Tim Tebow updates on Yahoo! News. And there’s nothing, NOTHING, more important to the American media than Jesus and titties. What is happening?!

So I suppose the simple answer is: Yes. Given the realization that we would obviously like to become more like Canada, and the fact that we already think we’re the greatest nation on Earth, that would imply that Canada must really hold the top spot.

Either that, or the Tea Party has really taken a sledgehammer to my patriotism.

– THE DUEL CITIZEN

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