Wait… It’s still 2011?

Huh. That’s odd. I feel like we’ve been campaigning for so long it must already be November of next year.

And furthermore, I feel like we’ve become so disappointed in the Republicans that we may as well accept the fact that Obama’s in for 4 more years.

Even the real maker of this graphic forgot John Hunstman.

Because if you think about it, all of the Republican nominees have had their day in the sun (except Ron Paul) and already disappointed everyone. Romney started out strong, but was soon overtaken by Bachmann. Then everyone was like “WOAH, THIS BITCH BE CRAZY!!” and they started to get all up on Rick Perry’s business. Then he started speaking out loud and stuff, and people realized he was actually really dumb. Then Herman Cain showed up, was doing great despite the fact that he had no foreign policy knowledge or respect for political correctness, and everyone was all excited about him. But when all his past groping victims came out of the woodwork and exposed him (just in case he hadn’t already exposed himself to everyone already), and everybody was like, “Aw, I guess I don’t like cheaters…” so they ran to Newt Gingrich in a move I will never understand; the man has had 2 extramarital affairs. But now that Newt’s getting scrutinized for being a lobbyist and all the other terrible things he’s done during his sordid career as a professional douchebag, it looks like John Hunstman of all people is going to get his 15 minutes. The former ambassador to China just released a new campaign ad that actually makes it look like he knows things. This is slightly alarming to me.

But not as alarming as the fact that one of these debates is going to be hosted by Donald Trump. Officially, this party has gone off the rails… and is taking my country with it!

Seriously, the fact that Donald Trump of all people is hosting a serious debate makes me sick. It’s just another publicity stunt to get people to pay attention to that vile man, just one more act in this three ring circus we’re calling the Republican nominating race.

Trump: "(Gingrich) had the courage to immediately say yes. You know who I am very disappointed in? Michele Bachmann," he said. "She came up to see me four times. She would call me and ask me for advice. She said if she wins, she would like to think about me for the vice-presidency." Oh lord.

Luckily, I’m not the only one who think this is the most ridiculous idea ever, and they might not even go through with it! A few of the candidates opted out of the ludicrous debate early on like Ron Paul, Mitt Romney, and John Hunstman, then Herman Cain suspended his whole campaign, and now Bachmann and Perry have both decided not to show up. So the only two who have signed on for it are Gingrich and Santorum, which leaves poor Donald having to reconsider the whole thing. So sad.

Of course, Trump thinks this is because they’re all afraid of him: “People are afraid that I’m going to run as an independent candidate and some of the people that are supposed to be in the debate have expressed that. And I don’t want to give up that option, because it certainly is an option,” he told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer. Which is just hysterical on sooooo many levels:

1: He thinks the reason they don’t want to show up is because they’e intimidated by him. Hahaha! According to John Hunstman, it’s actually because “I’m not going to kiss his ring, and I’m not going to kiss any other part of his anatomy,” which is exactly what that debate would be about. Oh well, Trump’s guess was close… Pffft.

2: He’s going to host a Republican debate (after which he has promised to endorse the winner) and then RUN — but as an INDEPENDENT. So ridiculous!!! This makes the fact that he think he intimidates the other candidates even funnier. Independents don’t threaten Republicans! He has no prayer of winning as a third party candidate, and will at worst end up taking votes away from the legitimate Republican candidate… And he wonders why they’re all pissed at him! No one wants to play with you, Donald, because you’re the kid that takes the other kids’ cookies and makes them watch as you eat them.

I believe Stephen Colbert had a segment called "Democralypse Now" wherein he would chronicle the self-destruction of the Democratic Party. Well, if that was the Democralypse, I hope we're all ready for Republigeddon.

All these histrionics and diversions… Can’t we just have a good, clean race? I guess such concepts don’t appear on the Republican thought spectrum. It’s like they learned nothing from the mess that was the Democrats in 2008, when, if you all remember correctly, people were actually concerned for the future of the Democratic Party. And now we’re seeing it happen on the other side of the coin. Sadly, it’s not as enjoyable as I’d thought it would be; in fact, it’s just kind of depressing. These people represent roughly half of my fellow Americans… a fact that makes me want to either defect or run for president myself, and I can only do one of those things right now! 😦

To summarize: the only good thing that could come from all of this absurd nonsense is Obama’s easy reelection. I sleep well at night knowing that a good man can’t possibly lose to these monsters. America will never be that far gone… I hope.

– THE DUEL CITIZEN

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