"Why is the rum gone??... And what the hell is Justin Bieber doing here?!"

You know that scene in Pirates of the Caribbean when Jack and Elizabeth get left on that island? When I unload the next shipment of exiles, it’s going to be a bit like that.

Only they won’t need a pistol because half of them are vampires.

That’s right! I’m getting rid of the cast of Twilight once and for all! But first, Katy Perry. Because Katy Perry always comes first.

I say this because she clearly feels that this is the way life should be. She’s like the poster girl for Münchausen syndrome. Apparently, the woman is a total bitch, with a list of tour demands longer than her famous legs. But that’s not what really bothers me about her.

What bothers me is that she was so promising, and then just got so boring. I mean, here we have a moderately talented, somewhat clever new female pop artist, causing sensations with her innocent, experimental forays into lesbianism (and a revival in cherry Chapstick sales). Plus, she wears cute high-waisted ’40s clothing and markets herself as a loveable pin-up. There was serious potential there!

Breaking into film wasn't original, but becoming a Smurf was... Too bad it resulted in the irrevocable slaughter of an already inane franchise.

…And then Teenage Dream came out, and dear Katy took a turn for the sluttier… Which is just so predictable. In fact, every move she’s made since getting ultra famous has been progressively less imaginative. First she shed her “pastor’s daughter” morality, then she married another celebrity, tried to get into acting, and now she’s got pink hair. Yawn.

Ugh, it’s like she’s trying too hard to be interesting, and it’s just really dull at this point. And it would be fine if her music didn’t also nosedive downhill at the same time. Put it this way — I think of Katy Perry in the same way that the rest of the world thinks of Lady Gaga: ENOUGH ALREADY. Go away now. (I will never say that about Lady GaGa, though. Stay tuned for the post wherein I explain why she is great, a genius, and grossly misunderstood.) Off to The Island with you!

And take the cast of Twilight with you, please!

I have gotten so very tired of seeing them everywhere. And the worst part about this is that Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, and the entire Twilight franchise itself do not themselves annoy me! It’s the fact that people are making such a big deal over them!

In fact, before the hype (I know everyone says this, but hear me out) I actually liked all of these people/things — except Kristen Stewart, since no one knew who she was. I read all 4 Twilight books. And while I will admit to being interested enough to finish them, I never appreciated them from a literary perspective. Why? BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT GOOD BOOKS. They simply are not. They are not well-written, the characters are not relatable, and the plot line is weak at best — it’s about a girl who falls in love with a vampire; some predictable complications arise therein. It gets a little more wild when you start throwing in werewolves and pregnancies and weird systems of vampire royalty, but still. It’s nothing special.

And certainly not even comparable to Harry Potter. I don’t understand why they’re ever compared to each other, but it happens all the time. They exist on entirely different planes, people. Don’t sully the legacy of Harry Potter with a mention of Twilight.

But to be fair, it is not the books that anger me (although the fact that they have such a massive fan base makes me concerned for the future of literature). It is the unreasonable hysteria attached to Twilight and these 3 main actors in particular.

Please stop taking photos of me. It hurts to smile this widely.

First of all, Kristen Stewart does not like being famous! She has said this many times. It makes her uncomfortable. That being said, can we leave her alone now? She doesn’t like to smile, she hasn’t (until recently) enjoyed playing the Red Carpet Fashion Game, she is awkward during interviews, and she has expressed a distaste for the attention. Solution: stop giving it to her and ship that sourpuss off to The Island!!

But after her Snow White movie comes out… I’m actually looking forward to that.

Secondly, Robert Pattinson is not attractive. I really liked him as Cedric Diggory. I thought he did a good job, but again my main argument was that he wasn’t hot enough. Cedric was supposed to be gorgeous. Played by RPatz, he was… tepid, and that’s if I’m being generous. I mean, he was still more attractive than Ron, but then so is Scabbers. And that doesn’t change the fact that this guy really should not be such a heartthrob. Add that to the fact that he doesn’t bathe and is clearly more in love with himself than his girlfriend, and I say there’s a lovely little Island waiting for them. They can avoid talking about her by talking about him all the time! Win-win.

Thirdly: Taylor Lautner is and forever will be Shark Boy. And if anyone knows that scene where he sings, you will never take him seriously again. And again, he’s not that attractive! Though I will say I find him more appealing than Robert Pattinson. Frankly, he’s a bit feminine in the face, and the bod is too manly, like he’s trying to make up for how girly his face is by being super built. Not working, honey. You just end up looking like Kim Chizevsky. Also, his character is a loser. Not because he’s actually worthless (although he is extremely whiny and has no self-respect, relentlessly pining after a girl who never reciprocated his advances very seriously) but because he actually loses! Time after time, he loses to Edward. He is very consistent in his failure. Thus, he should not have so many fans.

I move we ship Grumpy, Smelly, and Femmy to The Island where then can play with the other misfit toys.

"You know, it really doesn't matter what they write as long as you've got a young and beautiful piece of ass." - Donald Trump

Like Donald Trump, a man who I’ve been sick of hearing about since before I was born. Seriously, he’s been famous and shooting his mouth off for decades. And the only reason anyone listens to him is, why? Because he is very, very, very rich.

Once you have your own tower named after you in the heart of New York City, it doesn’t matter if you offer absolutely nothing to society or are the most sanctimonious son of a bitch that ever walked the earth; as long as you’re drowning in your own earnings, you can do whatever the hell you like! You can demand that the President produce a birth certificate, you can have your own television show and still consume everyone else’s airtime, hell, you can even run for President if you want to! God knows you’ve got enough money to finance a badass campaign! Apparently, the one thing you can’t do is shut the hell up.

When I rule the world, Donald Trump will be among the first to be muzzled and shipped off to the Island.

And then, since an island inhabited solely by annoying celebrities would be a pretty lonely place, I have a second demographic to introduce to the mix, and since they also belong to the first demographic, they’ll fit in nicely: adulterous spouses. To these people, I have just one thing to say:

Dear Ashton Kutcher, Tiger Woods, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Anthony Weiner, Herman Cain, John Edwards, Jesse James, and all other cheating assholes,

IF YOU’RE FAMOUS, DON’T CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE/GIRLFRIEND.

It’s the stupidest idea ever. Especially if you have kids. It’s a whole lot of trouble for them (and if you care about them at all, you’ll spare them the media feeding frenzy that is “sex scandals”) and you’ve already hurt them enough… No, wait, I mean especially if your wife is already ridiculously gorgeous! I mean come on! Elin Nordegren, Maria Shriver, Sandra Bullock, and Demi Moore are all gorgeous women. What is wrong with these men??

This is the Chuck Norris of cheating husbands. You jokers just don't have what it takes to do what you want and get away with it.

Also, it’s a terrible career move if you want to keep your fans/constituents. Because let’s face it, the difference between a politician and a retired politician can be one little BJ at the office — and not everyone escapes impeachment. Celebrities may not have to worry about polling numbers and approval ratings, but they do rely on popularity to get job offers. Look at Lindsay Lohan: no one likes her right now. Ergo, no one is asking her to be in their movies. But she’s already on The Island so we’ll leave her alone.

The bottom line is this: no one needs to know your personal business and the extent to which you will go to hurt your loved ones, but on some level we all care a little bit. So don’t do anything that will encourage further inquiry. Because you know we will inquire further, and that may not end well for you.

So I offer you The Island! Think of it as a lovely little getaway for you and your random +1 to escape the paparazzi… Oh! But you better take off the wedding ring first…

– THE DUEL CITIZEN

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