It has started to snow.
I know you’re proud of your snow, your ice sports, your vast expanses of uninhabited frozen wasteland, and all the various things you can do with this nasty white crap, so I apologize when I say this: for 50% of the year, Canada is the worst country on Earth.
Not politically or culturally or anything! No, Canadians are even adorable in the winter, all bundled up in things allegedly called “snow pants” and whatnot. But Canada itself should not be inhabited between the months of November and April. It can be visited, surely! No one should miss out on the experience of skating on the Rideau Canal and enjoying a BeaverTail, or throwing a few snowballs in their lifetimes, and for those things, Canada should be a brief vacation spot during the winter. What I suggest is that everyone just move south for a few months — you’re already as close to the US border as you can possibly get, like penguins huddling — and move back when the ice age has ended. If nothing else, I’m sure it will do wonders for our economy.
In the book A Game of Thrones by George R. R. Martin, Maester Aemon warns Tyrion Lannister that the motto of House Stark is always eventually proven true: winter is coming. And Canada may be the only country in the world where you can start saying that in mid-freakin’-August.
Well, officially, it has started to snow. And I am not happy about it. Soon, the ground will be covered in a dirty black slush, the sidewalks will be walled with piles of ice that make it impossible to get on buses, and the sky will sweat sheets of snow-rain that is too light to warrant an umbrella, yet too heavy to go hood-less. Also, it will be cold as a muthafucka.
This is why I wish I could hibernate. In Southern California.
– THE DUEL CITIZEN