"Consent" is apparently hard to define for some people... And their lovers, the people who are too young to know what it means.

Or, rather, to not sully the good name of the NBA and all of its fine players (like Kobe Bryant, Dennis Rodman, and Shawn Kemp) who never did anything remotely scandalous, I should say, “college sports” — whose players eventually go into the NBA. But you can spell NAMBLA without “college sports” so now you know the depths to which I will sink for a snappy headline.

The headline isn’t the story, however. Oh, no. The story is much worse.

Over the past couple of weeks the nation has been rocked with a string of scandals having to do with sexual harassment (if abhorrent man-on-boy locker room shower rape can be considered “sexual harassment”). From Herman Cain’s epic showdown with various women and his own memory, to the recent revelations involving Penn State assistant coach Jerry Sandusky, it seems that old men everywhere are having a hard time keeping it in their pants.

If it seems like I’m making light of these circumstances, I most certainly am not. I understand how serious an offence sexual harassment is. Furthermore, as a woman, I have this instinctive fear of rape, and I have actually been treated inappropriately (through lewd gestures or catcalls, etc.) before. It is not a pleasant experience.

That being said, I think we can all agree that there are degrees of sexual misconduct that vary in gravity. The way that Herman Cain allegedly treated Sharon Bialek, for instance, while completely unprofessional and appalling, only resulted in Cain looking like a total douche bag. Bialek, while legitimately harassed, was still largely unharmed if perhaps slightly traumatized. The same cannot be said for the children abused by Jerry Sandusky over a 15-year period during his tenure at Penn State University.

Jerry Sandusky has been described by his attorney as "a big, overgrown kid." Translation: ADULT!!

Sandusky, at 67, was charged last week with 40 counts of sexual misconduct, involving a total of eight victims, each of them young boys. These boys were touched inappropriately at the very least, some of them actually having been involved in various sexual acts with the assistant coach. Sandusky was observed in one account performing fellatio on a middle-school aged boy, and once actually anally raping another, this one around 10 years old — both in the university’s football showering facilities. I apologize for the graphic wording, but that’s what was actually happening. It’s not like I’m going for shock value.

This scandal has been extremely detrimental to the university and its image. Several high-powered individuals, including the President, Senior Vice President and beloved head coach Joe Paterno, (who led the Nittany Lions to hundreds of victories, who has been awarded the honour of “Coach of the Year” many times, and a statue bearing whose likeness even greets visitors entering the football stadium,) have either resigned or been fired. These men were seen to have either not done enough to stop this behaviour, or outright helped attempt to cover it up.

What makes this whole situation worse, if indeed that is a possibility, is that Sandusky has done an extremely bad job at damage control. In a buzzy interview from November 14, NBC’s Bob Costas interviewed Sandusky over the phone, with Sandusky’s attorney, Joe Amendola, there with him in the studio to defend his client. This was a disaster for Sandusky.

Even Bob Costas seemed appalled at the responses he was receiving from Sandusky.

He was asked if the allegations were true. His response? “I have done some of those things. I have horsed around with kids. I have showered after workouts. I have hugged ’em and I have touched their legs.” He later went on to describe a naked boy turning on all the shower heads and sliding across the floor, following which they began “as I recall, possibly snapping a towel, horseplay.”

He was asked if he was a pedophile, and if he was sexually attracted to young boys. He replied, “…Am I sexually attracted to young boys? …Sexually attracted? You know, I enjoy young people. I love to be around them…Uh, I, I… but no. I, no, am not sexually attracted to young boys.”

Now, it’s kind of hard to tell from the transcription alone, but if you listen to the actual interview, it’s the creepiest thing in the world. He’s breathing heavily, speaking just above a whisper, and there are huge pauses in his speech… It’s almost like he’s trying really hard to stick to his story, and he’s so distracted (possibly excited) by the mere memory of these incidents, that he can’t even remember his lines!! AH, SO CREEPY.

So creepy, it’s possible that the only person creepier than this guy is Warren Jeffs. That’s how bad he is.

And to make matters worse, even his attorney worsens his case (which, if I’m not mistaken, is exactly what he’s paid to NOT do). Joe Amendola fathered a baby with a 17-year-old girl named Mary when he was 49, so… But it’s not a big deal! Because they eventually got married! Yeah, that makes it ok.

Well, this is a very new take on Mary and Joseph. And there's no way that conception was immaculate... Eeeeew.

So, to conclude, I’m looking forward to one GIGANTIC prison sentence for this scumbag. Pedophiles are vermin. Actually, no. Even vermin are above pedophiles. (Pedophiles are Ponzi-schemers, how about that?)

This photo of Fine doesn't even need a caption. It is hilarious enough on its own.

And now we have the Syracuse University assistant basketball coach, Bernie Fine, being accused of sexually assaulting young boys, too! Of course, his accuser claims to have been sexually assaulted for years, all the way up to age 27. This seems a bit odd to me. 27-year-old men should really be able to stop older gentlemen from touching them if they don’t want to be touched. This is where potential explanations and psychoanalyses start cropping up, like: Stockholm syndrome or maybe latent homosexual tendencies on the part of the victim… Whatever the case may be, 39-year-old Bobby Davis, (the one accusing Fine) did report the alleged abuse several times, and these reports eventually led to an investigation conducted by the university. The investigation apparently yielded no solid evidence that Fine had shown any misconduct, so the charges were basically dismissed.

Now, we’re reopening the case because someone has finally come forth and confirmed Davis’ story — a relative of his, but still. It changes things. I can really only hope that this turns out to be false. If Bobby Davis really was molested, then yes! By all means! Throw that bastard Fine in jail! But if the case is being reopened in light of the Penn State scandal, (and I’m hoping it was because I don’t like the idea of all our major universities being infested with pedophiles,) then I hope we can clear Fine’s name. There should be at least one happy ending here, and not for the creeps, if creeps they really are. No child molester should be able to get off that easily.

And yes, the innuendo was intentional.