A high school teacher of mine once suggested that we, as a society, should create an island (because we can do that now!) for the containment of all the most annoying and unnecessary diversions in our culture. What a great idea! That should be where we banish everything that we would prefer to ignore and that refuses to go away! (Unfortunately, Mr. Holliday, for a lot of people, high school teachers fall within that demographic so you might regret this stroke of genius later. :P)
I asked Oprah to go away, and she has. I asked Jon and Kate to go away, and they did. I asked the cast of Jersey Shore to go away, and they’re in the process (as long as we keep JWOWW out of the airports). I asked Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt to go away, and they’re now living off of tacos and frequenting laundromats. So I’d just like to say thank you to those people who were kind enough to respect my wishes and those of so many others, which will hopefully put pressure on the Kardashians, Justin Bieber, and others to follow suit. Because, you know, they can see how appreciative I would be.
So apparently people care about Kim Kardashian.
This is not to be confused with “caring for” Kim Kardashian, since most of the people watching her show also seem to be her biggest critics. And the rest of America (some 309 million people) does not care enough to watch the show, but enough to be sick to death of seeing this woman’s face everywhere.
You see, Kim Kardashian’s face is a magical morphing plastic flesh mask that changes over time; it’s virtually impossible to see her the same way twice! For instance, at first, I was super jealous of her because she’s obviously gorgeous. Big pretty eyes, unrealistically long eyelashes, perfect skin and lips, gorgeous bod with almost cartoon-like curves, great hair, etc., etc.
Then you look again, and that jealousy becomes a sort of acceptance. “Sure,” you say to yourself, “she’s a work of art. But I’m ok with my body, too! So I’m never going to look like Kim K. That’s perfectly fine.” And you forget what she looks like as soon as you close the page.
Then you click on that guilty pleasure link you’d deny clicking on if caught, because you actually do care what she wore to the opening of some bullshit or other… AND SHE’S AN ALIEN ALL OF A SUDDEN!!! Now, you don’t even want to look like her! Seriously, now when I see her, all I can notice is her oddly slanted features that all seem to point downwards and give her head this weird ovoid extraterrestrial shape. Then you see her standing next to her now-ex, Kris Humphries, you realize there’s no way she’s a member of the same species as him, and you see the light: she’s here to enslave the human race. And then divorce it. Or maybe, she’s just not really that pretty and we should all stop paying attention to her.
But that’s not going to happen. So, ok. We all consume this creature’s waste like we’re fruit fly larvae and it’s our freakin’ job, but why? I know I’m not the only person asking. And I know the reasons why she is famous: famous lawyer dad, sex tape, reality show, is hot, etc. But her fame train has not run out of steam, and doesn’t even show signs of slowing down! This is after an incredibly high-profile televised wedding followed by an embarrassing, ridiculous, and very public divorce 72 days later. I understand that she’s basically an object, and any straight guy/lesbian will tell you the only reason they know who she is is because o’ dat ay-ass. So when I ask “WHY IS SHE STILL FAMOUS??” you know that I understand fully why she’s famous — I just want to know why she is still famous.
Because if you think about it, there are a lot of other equally-as-hot people out there worthy of your general objectification — people who are less annoying, desperate, greedy, and suck less helium than the Kardashians. And who don’t look like aliens (although Miss Wilde somewhat resembles Optimus Prime in the picture below).
So anyway, that is why Kim Kardashian should be shipped off to The Island.
Which brings me to our next item: Justin Bieber.
I’m going to start this section off with all of the good things I can say about Justin Bieber so I appear to be fair and balanced as you go on to read the other 97% of what I can say about Justin Bieber. From what I understand, he is actually talented, is an extremely hard worker, and has a surprisingly clever and savvy business head. He apparently made his own fame by flooding YouTube with himself and racking up a bunch of plays, which attracted Usher’s attention and led to his big break, which I’ll admit is quite impressive.
And it was all downhill from there.
I like to brag to people about how I’ve never heard a Justin Bieber song all the way through. This is still true. In fact, one of my favourite stories to tell is how I was in a store when his song “Baby” came on. I asked the clerk if it was Justin Bieber playing, she said yes, and I left the store. So TO THIS DAY, I still have not heard a whole song of his. And yes, I am proud of this. Because I find him so. Goddamn. Annoying.
As a person. As an artist. As a performer. As a hair mogul. Even as one half of a celebrity couple. Literally everything about this kid annoys me.
We’ll start with that celebrity couple thing, since that’s one of the main things that sticks in my craw. Justin Bieber has the privilege of dating Selena Gomez. Now, I phrase it that way because she is so often referred to as “Justin Bieber’s girlfriend” that people forget that she had talent, a career, and a decent amount of fame before anyone even knew this little pipsqueak’s name! In fact, she is more talented in more areas than Bieber, having acted, sung, and hosted awards shows; he is, as of yet, capable only of singing. His “concert movie” doesn’t count as a film, and it never will. Never. (Yeah, I said it, whatcha gonna do about it, punk??)
And then he goes and gets slapped with a paternity suit, which puts a lot of unfair pressure on the significant other, too. According to Mariah Yeater, Justin Bieber knocked her up about a year ago after about 30 seconds of backstage love-making. It’s probably not true, but I kind of really want it to be. Just so The Beebs will lose half of his fan base and we won’t have to look at him anymore.
And even if the infamous baby mama is now dropping the suit, he can’t sue her like he threatened! Unless he wants to go through with the test, he can’t sue her for slander (does it count as libel since there was a signed court affidavit??) and defamation. It’s pretty hard to get someone convicted for lying about you unless you can prove they’re lying. Here’s hoping it comes to that!
OR, a much less dramatic, traumatic and problematic solution for all involved: SHIP HIM OFF TO THE ISLAND!!
Which brings me to Taylor Swift.
She’s fairly talented, I like some of her music, and I think she’s pretty. But that’s not enough to make up for the obnoxious devices of her self-promotion: her down-home appeal and heart-on-her-sleeve lyrics that are so simplistic it’s like she’s on a poetry strike. These would normally be good qualities, and I’ll be honest, I appreciate her straightforwardness sometimes. It’s a well-known fact that there’s a Taylor Swift emotional Band-Aid song for pretty much any problem life can throw at you. But the problem with simplicity is that eventually, you run out of ways to make it interesting. All of her songs have started to sound the same to me, and her “good girl” image I find cloying at best, insincere at worst. Thus, she too should be shipped off to The Island.
Hopefully joining Taylor is Charlie Sheen, a man whose fame really has nothing at all to do with his career. In fact, I believe his best piece of acting was that part in Ferris Beuller’s Day Off when he said, “…Drugs?” Since then, it’s all been pretty bad.
The reason he’s famous now is because he’s a degenerate, lecherous whore-mongering drug addict with a penchant for domestic abuse, alcohol, and gambling… And he is proud of it!! I mean, if everything else weren’t enough to get him a whole bunch of press, (I’d say bad press, but for him there is no such thing,) the apparent lack of guilt or remorse is downright fascinating.
But wait, no! Actually, it’s disgusting. And now that we’ve glorified, condemned, fired, roasted, and now re-hired him, can that be it? Can this please be the end of Charlie Sheen’s Travelling Nonsense Circus? As he was at one point the highest paid actor on television, I’m afraid that tickets for its comeback tour will be too expensive unless we go ahead and ship him off to The Island while we still have the chance.
Finally, I am forced to do something I have sworn for years I would never do: I’m advocating Lindsay Lohan’s The Island Relocation Project.
Lindsay Lohan: Oh, poor dear sweet Lindsay — what happened to you?? I bought both of her albums, and I’ve seen most of her movies. As a child, I even memorized The Parent Trap (and it turns out that’s something you can’t undo as an adult) and it’s still one of my favourite movies. That being said, I don’t even recognize her anymore! For starters, she looks about 20 years older than she actually is (25) due to the ravages of drug abuse and alcoholism. But that’s really where we can stop blaming Hollywood. It’s true that they in the biz put a lot of pressure on women to be perfect, and there’s a lot of pressure on child actors especially. They have to grow up in the spotlight, and often come into adulthood with no real perception of normality because they’ve spent their entire lives trying to reach this level of success and perfection that is more or less impossible to attain.
That being said, it’s not Hollywood’s fault that she wouldn’t show up for her community service or counselling. It’s not Hollywood’s fault that she was referenced in a song in a manner that was less than flattering. It’s not Hollywood’s fault that she tried to sue the artists of said song for defamation. And it’s certainly not Hollywood’s fault that she’s once again violated some part of her parole and had to serve 30 days in jail (which was reduced to less than 5 hours due to over crowding). This is ridiculous, and I have long defended it. But no more.
It is all of these things that warrant her removal to The Island. Frankly, Lindsay, you’re the one person on this list whose face I don’t mind seeing everywhere — I would just like to see it on a movie poster, or really anything that’s not a paparazzi-shot of you on your way into a courthouse or an image of you under house arrest that looks like it was taken by the CIA.
People are outraged that she’ll be featured in Playboy later this year in a Marilyn Monroe-esque photo shoot, saying that drawing comparisons between the two is disgraceful. Personally, it’s not like I see Lindsay as a role model or anything, but I do think she’s someone who needs support. She needs help. And then maybe she will stop being such a tiresome and pampered troll all the time.
The Island now has 5 inhabitants. Let’s see how long it takes them to meet The Others.
– THE DUEL CITIZEN