You know, there is just nothing, I mean nothing, going on up here. Boy, I tell ya... it's just incredible. Some might even call it bliss.

As I get into the remaining Republican presidential candidates, what’s wrong with them, and why they make me frightened for the future of my country, can we all just take a minute to remember the good times? Back in the good ol’ days when people like Chris Christie and Bobby Jindal were still maybe running? I just wanted to wax nostalgic for a moment, and reminisce about a simpler age when you didn’t feel like you were playing political Russian roulette with bullets in all the chambers…

And now the moment has passed.

Because I’m reminded that people are still casting ballots for Michele Bachmann.


Michele Bachmann: A truly deplorable human being. I don’t dislike her because she’s crazy. I don’t even dislike her because of her insanely annoying voice! I dislike her because she’s an ignorant, intolerant, superior, prejudiced ultra-right wing Evangelical fascist that hates gays, foreigners, and pretty much every other minority. Now, I know I just said a whole lot of ugly things and since I like to think of myself as “above” that sort of mud-slinging, I’ll make myself look better by admitting that in November 12th’s debate in Spartanburg, South Carolina, she managed to not come off as a totally incompetent witless bigot. As Jon Stewart reminds us, she did actually serve on the House Intelligence Committee (the irony is almost painful) and thus knows a thing or two about foreign affairs and armament in the Middle East — if it is in fact limited to just those one or two things. She’s so conservative, she’s even conservative about the amount of information she allows into her brain! Now that’s conviction.

However, her wisdom as it can surprisingly be called, stopped at advising the country not to rush into a conflict with Pakistan. Let us not forget her other gems which render her more or less completely unelectable… and constitute a pretty convincing case for her institutionalization. The woman has said that the HPV vaccine causes mental retardation (crediting her source: a woman she just met), that The Lion King is propagating the gay agenda because the score was written by an epic homo, that carbon dioxide is harmless, and that hundreds upon hundreds of Nobel Prize-winning scientists believe in intelligent design… Well, at least she didn’t sic her mad zombie army on Paul Revere’s Wikipedia page so that she doesn’t look completely uneducated in American history. That’s something to be grateful for this Thanksgiving season…

Oh, and I just love the irony in the crowd’s booing rare moments of lucidity. The political psyche of this country is truly disturbing.

Of course, the most disturbing part of Saturday’s debate, besides the actual sense that spewed forth from the frothing anal pores that are Bachmann and Santorum and the crowd’s reaction to it, was the matching outfits. But this isn’t a fashion blog, so I’m not going to speculate on whether or not that was an idea from the intoxicated mind of Rick Perry or some plot to make the Republican candidates look unified on something.

And Herman Cain just had to go and ruin it with his gold tie. Now how will we win the costume contest??

Whatever the reason was, it creeped me out, and Newt Gingrich is still a douchebag.

You're a mean one, Mr. Gingrinch.

That was admittedly a bit of a non sequitur, but anyway, Newt Gingrich: …Well, he’s just an asshole. I’d like to be all ladylike and demure about it, but I don’t really think he’s earned that sort of effort on my part. Aside from Ron Paul, I think Gingrich is probably the most intelligent person running, and I’d also argue the most experienced (and more so than Paul). So, taking that into consideration, would he not make a good choice for a nominee? Well, yes, he would. But he’s missing something important that would really help his chances: A LIKEABLE PERSONALITY! Some character traits that don’t make him seem so unreasonably pretentious! It’s like he can’t start a sentence without a modifier like “What my opponent fails to understand is…” and “If we really thought about what we were saying…” Doesn’t he realize that Americans hate being told how stupid they are? I am an American student in Canada, and I can’t tell you how annoying that stereotype is. But the fact is that the majority of America really could use a good book, they don’t like the “elitists” who try to push such things as though they were meth, and will most likely not elect a person who they perceive to be “soft on books.” (Perhaps a slight dramatization… Actually no, I’m sticking by it.) If Gingrich is so comfortable pointing out his intellectual superiority over his opponents, his intellectual superiority over the average American is probably staggering. Ergo, he’s going to lose.

But as long as he doesn’t lose to Rick Santorum, I’ll be happy.

This is the mirthful expression I save for court-martialing gay soldiers.

Rick Santorum: I’ll be honest, I only know 2 things about this man: 1) That he’s extremely religious and anti-gay, which has led to a lot of negative backlash including 2) the re-definition of his name to mean “The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.” (Incidentally, the second meaning is “Senator Rick Santorum.” Man, that was so easy to Google! ;))

And even though he too dropped some foreign policy knowledge on the rest of his opponents in Saturday’s debate, I can’t help but recall that one time when a gay soldier asked him if he would be allowed to serve and Santorum said he didn’t think sex should be an issue in the military, which did not remotely address the question, but did turn the crowd’s booing into cheers. Because only the most vomitous pond scum in America shows up for these debates, apparently. And no, that was not a reference to Rick Santorum. He’s ass juice, remember? But anyway, barring homosexual servicemen from free expression, and sometimes even serving at all, seems like a pretty bad foreign policy, so I’m not going to give this deranged, benighted ass hat too much credit.

Jon Huntsman: …Who?

Man, I miss Donald Trump and Sarah Palin. I mean, they’re terribly irritating human beings to be sure, but they were entertaining. And their presence reassured me that Obama would be re-elected because everyone knows they’re crazy. As of right now, I’m concerned. It really looks like we’ll have to watch Obama go against Romney.

…And that’s just going to be sooooo boooooooring.