How am I behind these people in the polls? How??

I need to talk about the Republicans. They might be the best argument for emigration ever. I’ll start with the first-stringers and move on to the supporting cast in a later post.

Ron Paul believes in fiscal responsibility, limited government, lower taxes, and the power of the free market. That doesn’t set him too far apart from his opponents. It’s his consistency, strength of conviction, ethics, and ability to read and write that really put the distance between Paul and the other Republicans vying for the nomination. However, his voting history is too consistent, and his viewpoints make too much sense. So naturally, he gets no love from the mainstream media because he’s like scandal-repellent, and the lack of radical-nonsense-spewing renders him more or less ignored by constituents.

Thus, Ron Paul sadly doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in Hell of getting the Republican nomination.

Which is a real shame, since he’s the only one who’s not an idiot. Or creepy. Or deranged. Or racist. Or trigger-happy. Or nauseatingly sanctimonious. Or Mormon. Basically, he’s the only one who’s electable on paper. This is probably why he’s going to lose. Clearly, the Republicans would rather fall in line behind a psychopath. And boy, have they got options!

Mitt Romney: Doing nothing, and looking good. Probably the least psychopathic of the lot, including Ron Paul who can look a bit rabid at times. Like so many people have said, (my personal news gods Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Anderson Cooper, and Philip DeFranco included,) Romney’s campaign strategy should really be to just sit back and let all the other candidates use his air time — because they’re really good at destroying themselves on camera!  It’s like they go into self-destruct mode whenever they’re within 10 feet of a microphone. Yet we haven’t had a good sound bite from Romney in months! Not since the whole “Corporations are people, my friend” gaffe in front of a crowd full of farmers — which was brilliant, by the way. Way to confuse farmers.

Corporations are people, my friend. People made of people, built on a mass grave of people. Vote for me!

They already suffer from an inherent conflict of interest (To be conservative, or not to work against my own interests by supporting those who deport the only people willing to actually do farm labour, whose pockets are lined by those outsourcing our jobs, and whose policies reflect a fundamental disregard for the earth I till daily? That is the question.) so confusing them further is just mean. But come November 2012, they’ll vote for him just the same because they think he’s the lesser evil. The hope that all of America will wise up in 12 months’ time is an adorably idyllic little pipe dream that works out really well for Romney, if at the expense of the rest of the world.

It’s like Aesop’s fable about the tortoise and the hare, only Romney is a whole new third animal that wasn’t in the original story. He just has to wait at the starting line until the tortoise and the hare publicly and violently kill each other so he can just stroll to the finish! That’s a new twist on an old tale that I for one would read to my children. Mother nature can be cruel, kids… That’s politics. Sweet dreams!


Herman Cain: Desperately trying to dig himself out of a sexual harassment scandal. Let me ask you, America: do we really have time for this bullshit? I think it’s pretty obvious that he has sexually harassed people. I’ll save myself from a defamation suit and just say that personally, he gives me the creeps. Now I’m not saying that just because a person is creepy, or comes off as creepy to some people, that they are automatically sex offenders. That’s extremely subjective and unfair. However! That being said! How can you not be slightly creeped out by a guy who feels comfortable saying “When they ask me who is the president of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan I’m going to say you know, I don’t know” on national television?! I’m sorry, but any man who can say such a thing while running for president is clearly ignorant, racist (yes, black people can be racist, too) and completely insensitive. Oh, and the worst part — brainlessly unaware that this is not something you should ever say under any circumstances. All of these things put together = creepy. Whether or not he sexually harassed anyone, which he almost certainly did,  I’m not putting an insensitive, ignorant racist in the White House! Might as well elect Ann Coulter or Rush Limbaugh! And let’s be honest, the ulterior motives of the women coming out of the woodwork can be pretty quickly analyzed and dismissed:

SCENARIO 1) They are attempts at sabotage from the Perry campaign. This is the favourite excuse of those over at Camp Cain, but they have nothing to back it up. Reason does a pretty good job striking it out, though! For instance, why on earth would Rick Perry pay someone to sabotage the Cain campaign when Herman Cain does such a good job sabotaging himself? (His comments on the black community, being black, and being Herman Cain alone constituting enough material for a whole other post.) It’s the Romney argument all over again. Second, why would Rick Perry put all that effort into making himself look good in comparison when he goes and forgets half of his campaign platform in the middle of a debate??! A bit counter-productive, I feel. And finally, Rick Perry is not smart enough to pull that off. It would be too easy to trace it back to him. My money would be on Romney or Gingrich. At least, it would if  this wasn’t a ludicrous argument.

SCENARIO 2) They are democrats trying to bring down the Cain campaign. Now we know that’s not true. No democrat’s hair is as big as Sharon Bialek’s. And the other accusers besides the most recent one, Karen Kraushaar, are anonymous… Admittedly, that is a liberal tactic (see: Anonymous, the infamous hacktivists) but I’m not convinced.

Only a conservative could have spent that much time at a salon before touting her ideals. Liberals prefer to look like unwashed vagrants because it makes a cause more credible...

SCENARIO 3) They want attention. This would be a good one! It’s easy to defend, since attention-seeking and trouble-making for the sake of it seem to be on the rise (see: any name ending in “Kardashian” or starting with “Occupy”). It would seem to have backfired, though, since these women are receiving more criticism than sympathy. They have a presidential campaign, a whole cable TV network, and a good chunk of the country hurling insults at them and tearing into their personal lives like starving piranhas — something they would have to be functionally retarded to have not predicted. It’s a given: the second you step out and say something against someone people have heard of, you’re going to be torn apart. Even if no one likes that person. But especially if they do.

SCENARIO 4) They want money. …Well, that can’t be it. He already paid them $35-45k in the settlements! Settlements which wouldn’t exist without previous charges! Which he denied! In fact, he denied remembering the settlements at all! Which were only a few years ago, so he’s either senile, suffering from Alzheimer’s, stupid, or lying. Not really attractive or inspiring options for a presidential candidate..

So there you go: all the reasons why I don’t think they’re lying. And why Herman Cain is ridiculous. As if being a black conservative wasn’t enough. But still, “ridiculous” finds new meaning in Texas governor Rick Perry.

Rick Perry: The most entertaining candidate since Michele Bachmann stopped saying things out loud. Just as I agree with those who say Bachmann was a plant to make Sarah Palin look less… I’m just going to say “horrible,” I think Rick Perry must be a plant to make Mitt Romney look less Mormon. Of course, one would think that the fact that he’s not a Mormon would put pressure on the issue, but in reality, the fact that he’s an idiot just makes Romney’s being a radical heretic more palatable for the voting public.

Now, I think there are fundamental flaws in the practice of all religions, so I don’t really factor that in when I’m deciding who to vote for, and I wouldn’t let it stop me from voting for someone. But the rest of America is still stuck, culturally, somewhere around 1692, so that’s why I mention the Mormon thing. I’m not sure why it is that America has such a problem electing a Mormon; I don’t understand how his beliefs make him morally questionable, inept, or whatever the reason is. I personally have a lot of Mormon friends (one of whom was valedictorian of my graduating class) so I know that faith alone is not enough to render one incompetent, and compared to Rick Perry, Mitt Romney is the most competent leader since FDR (and say what you will, but the man was elected 4 times, enough to prompt the passage of the 22nd Amendment. The American people must have had some faith in him).

Perry: Maybe we should keep the Department of Education... Paul: Pull the trigger! Do it!

Why do I say such mean things? Well… I’d like to like Rick Perry. I mean, I really wanted to. After that press conference where he looked really drunk, I was all for Perry. (“Live free or die?? Come on, how cool is that?!”) But then, he goes and does something like what he did at November 9th’s debate in Rochester, MI and I just can’t justify it. In calling attention to a desperate need for deregulation in our government, Perry tried to list the three executive departments that he would abolish if elected: Commerce, Education and… “I can’t. The third one, I can’t. Sorry. Oops.” What he meant to say was “Energy,” but he was close. We’ll give him credit for trying.

No, but really, this is a disaster for his campaign!! He looked so unprepared, so unprofessional, so… ugh, gubernatorial. And ok, true, we all get stage fright. But most of us aren’t running for president. And what’s worse is that I’ve seen this kind of behaviour before! I’ve even exhibited this kind of behaviour before! This is what a college kid looks like after a night of intense cramming before an exam for a course which they have only attended once or twice. This is not what a president looks like after having taken thorough notes and studied the information carefully over the course of several months. And based on that distinction alone, this is a college kid and not a president. So much for the fair-haired non-Romney candidate.

Which of these bumbling clowns will be the Republican nominee? We’ll start finding out around January. Because primary season apparently starts right after the last election. This one started November 5th, 2008.